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Stillstand

Das schlimmste aller Gefühle ist das Gefühl des erzwungenen Stillstandes. Es erfasst einen nur dann, wenn man glaubt glücklich zu sein und kehrt diesen Irrtum radikal und erbarmungslos ins Gegenteil.

Mir ist bewusst, dass die Menschen den Grund für ihre Melancholie gerne als den schlimmsten aller Gründe nennen. Und so mag es sein, dass auch ich mich in diese lange Reihe der Superlative einreihe, doch werde ich versuchen diese meine Wahl zu begründen.

Nimmt man als Beispiel dir Trauer, die ein Mensch durch Verlust erleidet, so scheint dieses Gefühl den Menschen auszufüllen. Sein ganzes Leben scheint durch dieses Gefühl bestimmt und geleitet. Doch wird man diesem Gefühl, diesem Zustand ohne Zweifel eines Tages entgehen. Entweder man überwindet die Trauer und findet die Freude am Leben wieder, oder man stirbt. Denn der Tod beendet den Zustand der Trauer ganz sicher.

Wählt man ein anderes Beispiel, nämlich das Gefühl der Nutzlosigkeit, welches ohne Zweifel ein schlimmes Gefühl ist, so muss man nach den Ursachen für dieses Gefühl suchen. Nutzlosigkeit kann nur durch einen einzigen Zustand entstehen und dieser Zustand ist der Stillstand. Denn egal in welche Richtung man der Einöde entflieht, die man vielleicht mit Alltag, vielleicht mit Routine bezeichnen mag, es wird von Nutzen sein. Nur für wen und wann ist nicht absehbar.

Man mag nun argumentieren, dass es so etwas wie Routine und Alltag im Grunde nicht gibt. Man mag behaupten, dass man ständiger Veränderung unterworfen ist. Man darf verschiedene Größen wie den Zufall nennen oder behaupten das Leben können nicht in eine Warteschleife gelangen. Doch muss man sich fragen, was diese Phrasen für jemanden bedeuten, der glaubt in genau dieser Warteschleife gefangen zu sein. Denn ich schreibe hier nicht über Realität oder etwas allgemein gültiges. Ich schreibe über ein Gefühl, etwas so unfassbar persönliches, etwas so unglaublich vages, dass jede allgemeine Aussage über es leicht anzugreifen und leicht zu verteidigen ist. Im Grunde ist es ein Thema, dass unangreifbar durch seine Angreifbarkeit ist und sich damit hervorragend zum Einstieg handelt.

Nun habe ich allerdings nur gezeigt warum ich das Gefühl der Trauer und das der Nutzlosigkeit nicht als einen Superlativ betrachte und dadurch nicht aufgezeigt, warum ich den erzwungenen Stillstand im ersten Satz zu einem eben solchen gemacht habe.

Um dies zu erreichen möchte ich den erzwungenen Stillstand gerne näher charakterisieren und ihn so zu zeigen, wie er für mich in Erscheinung getreten ist. Zum einen wird es als Einleitung zu meiner Argumentation dienen und zum anderen dafür sorgen, dass ein möglichst großer Konsens geschaffen wird. Denn wenn man von Anfang von etwas Verschiedenem ausgeht, kann man niemals auf die gleiche These kommen, es sei denn jemand macht einen gravierenden Fehler.

Ich teile dem erzwungenen Stillstand zu aller erst, und es ist auch das wichtigste, den Kontrast zu. Genau so, wie man nur klein sein kann, wenn jemand oder etwas anderes größer ist, so kann man den erzwungenen Stillstand nur dann erfahren, wenn man den Fortschritt in etwas anderem als Kontrast erkennt.

Die zweite Charaktereigenschaft wird durch das Adjektiv „erzwungen“ festgelegt. Stillstand kann nur dann als Stillstand bezeichnet werden, wenn man in irgendeiner Richtung zum Halten oder zum Parken gezwungen wird. Jemand, der ohne irgendwelche Zwänge behauptet das Gefühl des Stillstandes quäle ihn ist nichts anderes als ein Heuchler. Denn Faulheit ist eine Ursache des Stillstandes, die man selbst zu bewältigen vermag und über die man sich daher nicht beschweren darf. Daher darf nur der sich selbst als leidend bezeichnen, der unfähig ist selbst etwas an seiner Situation zu verbessern. Mögliche Ursachen für diese Unfähigkeit sind Verantwortung, Verpflichtungen und Krankheiten.

Als drittes möchte ich die Unterscheidung verschiedener Lebensbereiche anführen. Wenn man in einem bestimmten Bereich seines Lebens zum Stillstand gezwungen wird, dieses bemerkt und bedauert, so kann es sein, dass dieser Schmerz und diese Trauer durch Fortschritt in anderen Bereichen nicht wieder ausgeglichen werden kann.

Es ist fast wie in der Schule. Zuerst bekommt man die Aufgabe auf ein Blatt zu malen was man will. Man kann nichts falsch machen. Dann soll man nur auf einen Teil des Blattes malen was man will, dann werden langsam Farben, Formen und Größen festgeschrieben, bis man in der Lage ist alles andere nahezu perfekt zu kopieren. Und erst wenn man gelernt hat zu Kopieren wird einem Beigebracht das Kopieren zu unterlassen und selbstständig zu denken. Und dann wundert sich ein kleiner Teil darüber warum ein größerer Teil nicht in der Lage ist diese zuerst erlernten Muster abzuschütteln und das glatte Gegenteil zu verinnerlichen.

 

Reality

 

Reality was not her subject. She does not want it to be and realitiy does not want her to be. So Amy found a place for her own, a place for a nice word, a place for a smile. At first it has been an interesting hobby to experience this world, to get lost in thoughts, to start smiling when everyone else starts to cry. But than whenever she woke up again and reality started to push her forward into something she was not prepared for, it was hard for her to forget this place. Her parents told her not to get lost, to stay in reality, to accept her life, her future, her destiny. But Amy does not want to. What do they know? Why should anyone stay at a dirty, gloomy ans disappointing place when he or she is able to move over to a place, where a flower does mean a flower and is more than a word for romantics? She did not see the point in spending a long awful life instead of a life full of joy, full of beauty, full of ideas. And as the years moved by and time went on Amy got lost more and more in her dreams, her ideas and her kind of reality. Step by step she managed to spend more and more time beside of this world. Until she, at least, was not able to differenciate between reality and truth at all. Beauty is in the eye of the publisher isn`t it? And could anyone see Amy`s view of the world, the things, the over all statement? Why should they be able to decide about, to improve, to interfere Amy`s life? If Amy decided on her own to live that way, to stay that way, to use this way, others should not have the right to negotiate if they are not influenced in any way.

Amy is 12 years old and her parents are still hoping that finding a new, personal reality is only a short step in the progress of becoming an adult.

Is it?

 

Late at home

 

Amy`s reflected image looked back. Her deep blue eyes lay tired in her young face and her long black hair rested in disorder on her shoulders. ”At least quite slim” Amy thought. She looked elsewhere and drank the rest of the clear water. On more she said to the barkeeper. Amy loved this pub. She used to come here everyday. Nearly everything in the little room was made of wood and although there were lots of windows only a little bit of light gets in, because of the skyscrapers around. The whole pub was quiet, soft and gently.

“Amy?” she looked up. In front of her stood a young woman. Her short black hair was mainly covered by a blue cap and her dark brown eyes moved jerkily through the room. She was round about 24 and beautiful. Liz didn't know why, but she didn't like this women, something was wrong with her. “Yes!” Amy said finally. “I'm Anne Watson, nice to meet you.” the answer came only a second later. Anne sat down without asking and ordered a hot chocolate, than she starred at Amy, like a customer, who wants to find out how long a product will stay until it gets broken. Although she was just 28, Amy felt quite old. Ms. Watson started again to speak: “Do you know Samu?” Amy was surprised. Samu was her fiancé, the engagement was just two month ago. “Yes, we are engaged. Is something wrong with him. Is there a problem?” she said. “He has short, blond hair, blue eyes, is 32 years old and an architect?” Anne continued. Amy was a bit scared of this unknown women. Why does she know all this things about Samu? Anne's hot chocolate was brought. “That's right.” Amy said quietly. Anne looked confident. “Sorry for this.”, she said, “but I had to be sure. I don't have so much time, so I come to the ponit. Perhaps you noticed, that your fiancé has had a lot of work last week?” Amy nodded. Samu came back home really late often. “In fact he didn't have had so much to work. Each evening he has been back home late, he has been with me before.” Amy got the message. “That can't be true!” she thought. “What are you trying to say?”, Amy shouted, “Samu and I are happy together. We're going to marry next year. He doesn't need an other women.” Anne tried to calm down Amy. “I feel so sorry for this. I didn't know that he has been engaged. I wouldn't have accepted it, if I would have known. I finished the relationship immediately after I heard of you.”

Amy said opposite of her. She didn't listen to the strange women in front of her. Someone was talking but the words didn't reach Amy. Tears started to roll over her face. Someone said: “I thought it would be better if you know it.”, but Amy doesn't know who was meant. She was just disappointed and wants to get out, out of the room, out of this situation and away from Anne Watson. She stood up and moved forward, first slowly and carefully, then faster and faster. She reached the door running. “Fresh air in autumn is there something nicer?” She fell nearly on the ground. Two meters away from the door she stopped. In front of her was the road. The big trucks made Amy wake up again. She breathed deeply. Her lungs filled themselves with fresh air. Then Anne came out of the pub. She moved over to Amy and put her arm around her. Amy was not strong enough to oppose.

Suddenly a strange power took Anne and threw her on the street. She hasn't had a change to escape from the big truck, which hit her with a terrible noise. Although the truck braked immediately, Anne flew a few meters trough the air and met the ground again with a sound, that Amy would never forget. The squashed body lay with the face to the ground on the street. Amy was unable to close her mouth or to turn her eyes away from Anne Watson. Cars and pedestrians stopped to see what has happened. Someone near Amy called the ambulance and it started to rain. The water mixed up with Anne's blood on the street. Together they built a painting, which looked a bit like a heart. But only a moment later it disappeared in the gully. Amy closed her eyes for a second. Suddenly someone put his hand on her shoulder. She turned around.

As she opened her eyes again, she saw a man. He was round about 30 and behind his glasses were blue, attentive eyes, quite similar to Samu's eyes. “Enough for this day Amy.” said the guy. He wasn't much taller than her and in his white coat he looked a bit like a doctor or a scientist. He repeated: “Enough for this day Amy.” she opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She wanted to scream, to let her emotions out. “I have seen a women dying, just a minute ago and my fiancé has had a relationship only a few month before our wedding. And this man tells me that it's enough for this day? Hell, he's right it's really enough for this day. But how does he know her name and her problems?” Amy thought. The Girl standing next to her puked and something of the brown, green mass sloshed on Amy`s shoes, but she didn't recognized. She was lost in thoughts. The sound of the approaching ambulance didn't last to bring her back. The guy in the white coat took her by the hand and brought her back in the pub. Amy accepted it, she didn't have the power to do something against. Together they walked through the pub. The man was really careful, just as Amy was a patient with a strange disease. In the back of the room was a stair. The two went up the stairs step by step, quite slowly. Upstairs was a hall with hundreds of green doors and white walls. A woman in the same coat opened one of the doors. “Good night Amy.” a voice in the hall. Amy was tired, a good night was an excellent idea. In the room, stood a bed and a wardrobe. Amy didn't want to think about the day. She just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again. The man with the blue eyes guided her to the bed and put her in. Only a few seconds later Amy was fallen asleep.

Samu left the room. His assistant Ms. Watson closed the door slowly without making a noise. “Tomorrow she will experience the same again. I keep asking myself what she is experiencing day after day. It's a pity that we can't see what she can.” Samu and Anne Watson left the Track C of the psychiatric clinic. He was going to come back home a bit later today. He has had a lot of work to do, but fortunately he had his assistant Ms. Watson, who was also going to come back home lately.

 

Suicide

 

"Awful could this fucking wind!" Samu stood up high there. The could November wind blew up his hair and his mind. He felt invisible but kind of good. He has never felt this way before and now that he felt good for the first time he should end his life? The dark river down to his feed looked frightening and the snow needs an awful long time to reach its surface. Steps stoped his thoughts and made him turn around. A little girl, twelve may be thirteen, entered the bridge and moved on, constantly walking. "Not another step!° Samu screamed "I`ll jump if you move on!" The girl looked up until Samu could see her freezing blue eyes. They were full of tears. "I don`t care!", the girl answered in a realy simple way. "You don`t care?" Samu was shocked by her answer. And the simpliticy of her continuation shocked him even more: "It`s your life. If you don`t care why should I do?" Samu was paralized. He did not know what to say. The girl was right. She does not have to care about his life if even he does not care about it. Samu thought about everything, every situation of his life passed his mind. Again he looked down the bridge. Than he took a decission.

 

 

 

 Austausch

 

Ein fremdes Land, eine fremde Sprache, fremde Menschen. Zum Fürchten! Eine Erfahrung, ein Lächeln, ein freundlicher Mensch. Erstrebenswert! Samu war hin- und hergerissen. Ein Austausch bedeutet nicht nur fremde Länder, Sitten und Bräuche kennen zu lernen, sondern auch einen völlig fremden Menschen, der nicht einmal die selbe Sprache spricht, in die eigene Privatssphäre eindringen zu lassen, Gedanken, Räume und Familie mit ihm zu teilen und sich auf ihn zu verlassen. Ihm zu sagen wenn etwas nicht stimmt, wenn etwas falsch ist, wenn man sich nicht wohl fühlt. Das kann sehr schwer sein. ehrlichkeit ist nicht selbstverständlich, nicht immer da und vor allem nicht leicht. Für einen Menschen, der gerne für sich ist, der seine Gedanken liebt und sie für sich behalten möchte ist ein zwanghafter Gedankenaustausch mit dem falschen Menschen eine Folter. Das Glück in einem fremden Land und mit einer fremden Sprache einen netten fremden Menschen zu treffen lässt sich kaum beschreiben, nicht in Worte fassen und nicht bezahlen. Samu hat schließlich so jemanden gefunden. Jemanden, der Zeit einen Wert gibt, der das Leben färbt, der ganz sicher etwas hinterlässt. Jemand dem man Gedanken nicht erzählt sondern berichtet, der hilft, der lacht, der lebt.

 

 Society

 

 

Every day we are trying to find a way to become a better person a better friend, a better human being. What if it is not worth it? What if there is just nothing after your dead and ending up on the street, murdering a person and becoming rich and clever is just the same after your dead? What if your words do not mean enough to say them? I would be desperate, depressed and kind of free. It would mean time on earth belongs totally to us, that we can decide without any conditions, that we can be who we want without hurting anyone.

If you are yourself in our society, if you try to feel free, if you try to act your way the most common reaction of the people is killing you, building up a statue and talking about you for years and years. Let us think about Sokrates, Gandhi or Marthin Luther King. Great human beings, great kills and great statues. Sometimes I would like to let slip of everything, to let a thought be a thought and the world be the world. We do not earn the world. Why should it be fair to change it? Why should we have the permission to change anything? And if you are convinced that there is a question of permission of changing anything you should not be to fast with an answer, because it could be important sometimes, somewhere, somehow.

 

Thoughts of a dying

 

She could not move her legs. She could not move her arms. Breathing became harder and harder. "That’s what it’s supposed to be, I guess". But what Amy expected did not happen. She did not see her whole life in a short sequence moving before her eyes and also the light at the end of the tube did not appear. Amy simply waited down there to get up somewhere. Suddenly she felt pity for her car. It was totally broken and she thought somewhere it was also burning, but she could not turn her head to see where the typically smell of fire came from because the belt was wrapped around her in a strange way. And after a few more minutes without a passing sequence and a tube of light she began to think about her life. Has she done something that will last? Has she wasted her live? Has she acted in a good way? "Well, actually not. But she has always acted bona fide." And that is what it is all about. Isn’t it? If you act in good faith, there is nothing to regret.” Her last thought she thought was that she has never liked the sound of an ambulance. After that she lost her consciousness. At a stretch it was the last thing she thought on earth.

 

 

Civilization

 

 

Nobody looked at him as he moved down the sidewalk. "Just another pedestrian." Samu could read the minds of the people, who crossed his way, desperately trying not to look at him. A few months ago, when he has moved to this town from his small, cute hometown in the middle of nowhere, it was hard for him to ignore the other pedestrians. But he has got used to it, and was shocked about it. Last week he has visited his parents in the back province and it did not last long till the neighbours started asking his parents why he has changed that much and did not greet them like he did back than. As Samu heard this he was surprised, sad and finally angry about it. He did actually have changed a lot from that. Now it was the time to analyze wether it was a step on the right track, something you have to accept or something you should avoid. Back in the city, the civilization, the great pot of washed-up existences he tried to find out why people are not that friendly, that supportive, less individualistic. And finally he found an explanation. There is simply no need for it. Why become individualistic if everyone else is individualistic to? Why act friendly if it does not help you reaching your dreams? Why support others if you could need a helping hand yourself? May be the answer is: Because we are humans. May be it is: Because I like to. May be it is: There is just no sense in it.

 

Carpe Diem

 

 

Sie fühlte sich wie neugeboren. „Welch Ironie, dass ich nur noch wenige Tage zu leben habe.“, dachte Amy als sie hoch über den Dächern der Stadt auf einem Sims saß und den Verkehr unter sich betrachtete. Vor drei Wochen hatte sie den Befund bekommen. Ein Geschwür von der Größe eines Golfballes hatte es sich in ihrem Kopf gemütlich gemacht. „Paradontetischer Alxesfirlefanzus - was auch immer". Den größten Teil des Gespräches mit dem Arzt hatte sie nicht verstanden. Aber der Satz: „Sie haben noch etwa einen Monat zu leben.“ War Amy im Gedächtnis geblieben. Sie erinnerte sich auch wie sie danach nach Hause gestolpert war. An den Weg konnte sie sich nicht mehr erinnern, aber vor ihrer Wohnungstür hatte sie beschlossen ihre Mutter anzurufen um es ihr zu sagen. Ihre Mutter hatte geweint und bei ihr damit Schuldgefühle ausgelöst. Ihr Vater hätte mit Sicherheit nicht geweint, wenn er noch am Leben gewesen wäre. Nun so hoch über der Stadt kam ihr das alles unwirklich vor. Warum hatte ihre Mutter geweint? Es ist nun mal der Lauf des Lebens. Du kommst und gehst. Als sie das endlich begriffen hatte begann Amy die verbliebene Zeit zu nutzen. Sie rechnete mit 3 Wochen. Das waren noch 504 Stunden. 30240 Minuten. 1814400 Momente voller Möglichkeiten. Und sie konnte nur einen Fehler machen: Diese Momente weg zu schmeißen! Als erstes kündigte sie ihre Arbeitsstelle und äußerte ihrem Chef gegenüber, was sie von einer 3 Minuten Kaffeepause hielt. Ein guter Anfang. Als nächsten Schritt löste sie ihr Konto auf und ließ sich die gesamte Summe auszahlen. Die einzige Person, der sie etwas vererben würde wäre ihre Mutter und die hatte keinerlei Geldsorgen. Während sie nun auf der Straße stand und überlegte, was sie tun sollte wurde ihr kalt. Ein Schauer, der ihr so kalt über den Rücken lief, dass es sie schüttelte. Was ist danach? Was kommt wenn nichts mehr kommt? Es traf sie wie ein Kanonenschlag. Das waren Fragen, mit denen sie sich beschäftigen konnte wenn sie Zeit hatte und das war beim besten Willen nicht der Fall. Sie fragte sich, wie lange sie schon im Sterben gelegen hatte ohne es zu merken. Wie viele Momente sie schon weggeworfen hatte ohne zu bemerken, dass sie nie wieder kommen würden, ohne sie geschätzt zu haben, ohne sie genutzt zu haben. Alles nicht mehr so wichtig! Alles worauf es nun ankam war keine Zeit zu vergeuden. Carpe Diem!

 

 

 

 

Waisting time

 

"There is nothing on earth, which is as easy and disastrous as wasting time is. Our time on earth is limited and precious. It’s the most important good we own. Think of all the things you just did for nothing. Think of situations you can`t remember, because they had no special effect for you. Think of all the time you wasted with waiting, senseless actions, things we never finished. You definitly will come to the conclusion that you wasted an awful lot of time. And I`m asking you to stop this insane Movement!" As always Amy stopped her speach with the ringing of the bell. Her students can`t wait to get out and she was not able to blame them for this fact. Why should they stay? Why should they waste time? As the last student passed the door from her classroom she knew that this lesson would take no effect on one of the students. But they will see the facts when they start growing older and older."We should have listened to..!" "Yeah, Yeah I know!" It would not be the first time she would hear such a sentence. Sometimes Amy felt like this women whos name she just was not able to remember. This girl could see the future and tells it to the people, but becaus she has not always been a good girl there was a curse. Not one of all the people she tried to help believed her and so she was dammed to see the future coming and happen. "Casandra!" And this thoughts had already stolen Amy some Minutes. But are they a waisting of time?